Nicholas Deroose came to the attention of the Singaporean LGBT community at large in 2006 when he was featured in the book SQ21: Singapore Queers in the 21st Century.
Together with Ian Lee, Deroose created Queercast, Singapore's first Internet LGBT radio show or podcast, dedicated to informing, entertaining, uplifting and empowering the community in Asia.
SQ21: Singapore Queers in the 21st Century[]
Deroose was a 20-year old National Serviceman (NSF) at the time he told his coming out story in the groundbreaking book. He was interviewed by author Ng Yi-Sheng at Yew Tee Duck Rice Stall, Liang Seah Street on Thursday, 27 April 2006.
Deroose recollects that his friends used to tell him, "Nicholas, you are going to diiiiie in the army." He had this big problem with authority, they said, and he was so pecah (short for pecah lobang which in Malay means to let the cat out of the bag, in this context taken to mean very obviously gay), so flaming and bitchy. When a sergeant told him to do twenty pushups, he would probably just turn on him and say, "Yeah, right!"
So when I told them I had enlisted in Ninja Company, they had the biggest shock. Apparently, it's got this reputation for being really garang because its OC is a commando. I remember one of his very famous lines: "This beret is not red for nothing!" His fits of anger were kind of legendary throughout the entire school. So I really tried. I really tried for a good two weeks to act straight. I felt like I had to control every single nerve, every single pulse in my body. I had a whole rehearsed script in my mind to keep myself undercover. Luckily, I had been heavily involved in sports, and I was also on the school lifesaving team, so that really boosted my physical standards.
But after two weeks of staying in camp, during the detention period 9 when they don't let you go home, my defences broke down. I remember one night -1 was really tired already, I wanted to sleep; I didn't care about anything else, I'm sweaty, I'm dirty, and suddenly my bunkmate rushes in and says, I hey, sergeant asks us to fall in in two minutes."
And I'm like, "WHAAAT!!! You've got to be kidding me right!" I and then I thought, oops - that was ten octaves too high.
He gave me a look, and just said, "Uh, okay." And so I quickly started to be really butch right, talking in a deep voice like this.
But then I decided, "Screw this shit. I'm just going to be myself."
I started NS on October 7*1 last year. I got on the little boat with five other recruits - late as usual, because I'd misread the timing on my cdjPlBM sheet. My parents were in America, so I just went with my auntie. She'd never been to Tekong, and she just wanted to go on a sightseeing tour.
When we were all sitting down in the bunk, unpacking, I realised that everybody had got bags and bags full of stuff, and here I was like I was going on a holiday, with just a couple of shirts and my toiletries. I had thought army provides for everything, but apparently not.
There was a wide range of people with me - people from every single educational, religious and racial background, the more educated, English-speaking ones and the Hokkien beng and the Malays and the Indians. Their first impression of me was that I was some rich upper-class boy, just because I look like quite Caucasian. When I told them about my Eurasian heritage and showed them that I speak fluent Chinese and Malay, we became sort of l|«h. void deck mates, and I was able to bond with almost everybody.
Singapore's Basic Military Training Camp is located on an island called Pulau Tekong that must be reached by hovercraft ferry.
Beng: young Chinese street lout,’or .on occasion, just an average guy.
But I missed being open with my sexuality, in TemasekPoly, Ihad been a member of TPAJ, which was this gay and lesbian group formed |y youths, for youths. I found them through an online forum. I was still viyp closeted at that point, so when I decided to go for one of their meetingsJwas relieved it was just this really normal- looking bunch of people.
We had this nice chat, some introductions, and it was all really fujfl until I heard this guy saying, "Hey, did you see that really cute guy whofS walked past?" I suddenly wanted the earth to just open up and swallow mel it just wasn't something you could say out in the open in such a casual manner!
But as time went by, TPAJ taught me a lot about acceptance. We were-very organised, with regular meetings in the canteen, dinners at each other's places, outings to Sentosa and an annual chalet. It was a really supportive E environment where we could just sit down and talk to people around our own age about our issues. I went through this period of linking hands and screaming hello to my friends down the hallways. I even joined the gay sports group, ADLUS, and represented Singapore in a gay and lesbian badminton match in Hong Kong.
I was so obviously gay that one day my lifesaving coach came in and|j| sat me down after training and asked, "Nicholas, what exactly is your sexual orientation?" I had all these alarm bells ringing in my head, because I had I heard some rumours that he was homophobic. But after we talked about i^H he was actually okay with the whole thing. Shortly afterwards he made me captain, and we went on to win the Nationals against NUS.
But I knew from my seniors that it was seen as a problem to be gay in NS. They had told me about the whole 302 thing: that at my medical checkup, the doctor would ask if I was a homosexual, and if I said yes they would put me in a lower medical classification. That was a double standard, another form of discrimination. Like any other guy out there, I was physically capable of performing my national service.
So in the end my checkup was very routine. They did all the usual stuff: the height, the weight, the blood test and the urine. My friends had warned me not to get an erection when I went into the dressing room, because everyone would be in boxer shorts. And then I went into the consultation room, turned to the left and coughed. And when the doctor asked me if I was a homosexual, I just said no.
After I decided to stop hiding from my BMT mates, I created a tactical battle-plan, step by step, to come out. First I had to know my battlefield, so 1 discreetly pointed out to them certain articles that were in the newspapers like the one about the transgender marriage. And because they were quite I open and reacted quite supportively, I decided to go in for the plunge. I started writing. I had this little notebook in camp, and as time passed!! on, my bunkmates saw that I spent an excessive time sitting on my bed just writing. And one night, when we were just relaxing in our bunk after training, my buddy got curious and asked, "Nicholas, what exactly is it that you write in that book of yours?"
I just said, "It's a story. Stuff like that."
Then everyone was like, "Eh, share lah! Wah lau lah, share! What's this? We all half bored here, nothing to do right? "
And I said, "Are you sure you want to know what's in this book?" ;
"Can one lah! Why not?"
So I started reading my story. And by the time I was done, most of their jaws were sweeping the floor.
Then one of them came up to me and said, "So... is this like tru story?" And there was this really tense silence in the room. And I said " of." 31 ' ^ "So... then... that means you're gay lah."
"Uh, yes."
And he paused, like he had to process this in his brain for a while.
"Right, so you're gay?"
"Yes."
Another long silence.
"So that means you're gay lah!"
And I'm like, "What do you want me to do to prove it? Go up an kiss you?"
So there was this whole hoo-hah over the next few days. And of ? course, word spread like wildfire. Whoever said that boys don't gossip was talking nonsense, because these straight men were like a bunch of aunties in the wet market.
So they'd gossip-gossip-gossip all around, and then there was this whole period that I'd gone through before in polytechnic, when boys get curious. They started asking me questions left right and centre, you know, the | usual ones, like "Who's the guy? Who's the girl? Is there a girl and a guy in the relationship? How do you guys do it?", stuff like that lah. I tried to give as many answers as I could, so by the end of the week, they'd kind of gotten I used to my facial mask in camp and I was teaching them how to do yoga.
They still had this stereotype, surprisingly, that every single gay person 1 is feminine and weak. So they were probably quite taken aback when I came out and did twelve pull-ups. And of course all those manly egos were a bit shattered when I finished, and I would come out and would flick my hair and go, "Alright! Next!"
My commanders were probably aware of it, but they didn't say anything. It was a bit of a sticky issue to tackle. When a campmate went to tell one of my sergeants, his response was like, "No, maybe he's just effeminate." They tried to defend my sexuality by just pretending it didn't exist.
But nearing my Passing Out Parade, we held Ninja Night. It was a company tradition, to celebrate the end of our course. They had to appoint someone to dress up to be Miss Ninja, and since I was gay it was, like, automatically my duty.
I wore this kimono-looking thing with a wig and a pink bandanna, and they held this beauty pageant kind of thing, with a question and answer round, and the question they gave me was, "If you were on a deserted island and you had to choose one commander to go with you, who would that be and why?" And I obviously point out my favourite and cutest sergeant, and the whole platoon my whole platoon starts off with catcalls and whistles, asking, "Why do you choose him?" And I said, "Because he looks like a man who can give a woman what she wants." After I said that, the whole audience started yelling, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" It was like a big stadium chant. And I slowly walked up to him, right, and the other commanders pinned him down to a chair, and I went up and I give him a peck on the cheek. And immediately he blushes beetroot red, you have no idea, he was like a fire engine. They have a video of it somewhere. After the event was over he came up to me and asked me, "Why did you choose me?" and stuff like that. And I just said, "Because you're cute."
Passing Out Parade (POP): the parade held to mark the end of Basic Military Training.
Miss Ninja: the tradition of comedic drag at army parties is not uncommon in Singapore, and here was definitely conducted as a personal anti-gay attack.
So that was probably one of the defining moments of my BMTC career. But I also met the another platoonmate some time after the POP. He was quite well-built, and was wearing this tight yellow colour Abercrombie T-shirt his first day, so my gaydar had obviously gone "Beep! Well, hello sister," when I saw him, but he had said he had a girlfriend.
So I said, "So how've you been? How's things with your girlfriend, things going well?"
He told me, "Um, actually he's my boyfriend. We've been together for four years."
So I went, "What the hell! To think I defended you!" And apparently, I found out later, one of the lieutenants was gay too.
I got my posting, and by some secret SAF formula I ended up in the navy. Under the posting it said my vocation was naval base regimental police, so I thought, "Oh good, if s going to be like this easy life, I'm just going to do this 8 to 5 job and with this thriving sodal life outside of camp."
But apparently not. When I got to my new camp, I was suddenly lined up for another twelve weeks of grueling training - you have no idea, seriously, how bad it was; we had to run and swim every single day, and when weren't running or swimming we were doing SOC.
So I had to go through the whole coming out process again in the navy. I had to restrain myself at first, then slowly reveal things, until some of them suspect already, then wait until they asked me what I was writing - it works, it's a tried and tested method, and thankfully, I never get tired of it. Frankly, the expressions on people's faces are worth it. It's kind of a Kodak moment.
It was sort of like the same thing all over again, only the commanders got word of it faster. And this time, the commanders were the ones who were more open about it and more willing to play along.
Singapore Armed Forces. Standard Obstacle Course.
There was this time we had to go over to NDU, the Naval Diving Unit, for some cross-training lectures. It was breaktime, and it was really hot, so I was sitting at the e-mart, just watching the road with nice cool ice cream in my hands. Then suddenly out of nowhere there was this entire group of naval divers in extremely illegal shorts which were tight and extremely short, who just walked past carrying hardware equipment, some of them topless.
My goodness, you can only imagine my immediate reaction. I think I was doing this whole very obvious head-turning thing. And suddenly my sergeant looked at me with this big fat grin on his face and he said, "So Nicholas, which one do you think is the cutest?"
And I said, "Uh... um... the one carrying the wires."
"So maybe we should post you to NDU!"
"No lah. I'd probably die of blue balls from repression."
And I remember I was queuing up for dinner after this long SOC, and I turned to my campmate and said, "Oh my god, I'm hurting everywhere; I've got this killer pain in my arse, and I'm not talking about it in a good way either." And then I sort of like realised, oh shit, my CSM was standing directly in front of me! He said, "Deroose, can you not be so gay?" I just threw caution to the wind and answered honestly. "Telling me not to be so gay is like telling the sun not to rise." And he just sighed.
The word spread higher and higher up the command chain until it reached my course commander, who was this Senior Warrant Officer. He was this big Indian man, a really old-fashioned conservative fella, very regimental. Everything had to be in tiptop shape, our boots had to be shiny, our bunks had to be clean all the time, and he was always telling us, "Fucking hell. You all better run faster! You all so slow!"
I realised this could turn into something big, and I was really afraid for a while. But then once, during a lecture, he was saying, "The weekend's coming. You all are booking out. Why don't you all go get yourself a fuck?
So how many of you got girlfriends?" Various hands went up. "Boyfriends?" Then everyone turned and looked at me, and I was thinking, "Shit you!"
Then the course commander said, "Why? What's wrong? Why? Who's , anti-gay here?" A few people put up their hands. He pointed his finger and said, "Okay you. Get out of your seat. You also, get out. You go sit over there one comer. You all can form the anti-gay comer over there."
He was known as a man who's very traditional and conservative, but he took this kind of initiative to defend me. That was very encouraging. And after that, it was plain sailing all the way.
It's been about two months since I passed out of my training phase in tire navy. I've moved on to my permanent unit. In fact, by the time I reached Changi Naval Base, I'd already gained a reputation - on the first day that I did duty, one of the seniors came up to me and said, "Hey, you're Nicholas, right?" And I said, "Yah, how do you know?"
"Oh, someone from Tuas called me up and asked me whether you're here or not." And I said, "Bloody hell! I'm barely in this unit yet!" Like I said, who says guys don't gossip? News can move at the speed of light from one end of the island to the other. If only the administration could be just as fast do know of some other gay campmates who have romp ntiltn t^BB discreetly, but I have to protect their identities, especially for the regularlJ^B Command gets word of the news, they might erase their contracts and ask s them to pay back their scholarship money. If s deemed a factor for downgrading and they see it as a hindrance to your performance, even though they obviously can't tell from your work.
I've been very fortunate. I always get a positive response when I come^ out, because I'm able to break the physical stereotype that gay people ate Jj feminine. My campmates used to tell me, "You know, Nicholas, you've really changed the way I think of homosexual people."
But I have this whole horror story from a very close friend of mine who had a very bad experience in camp because he was effeminate, tie was picked on immediately by the rest of his campmates, as well as by his commanders. You have no idea how ruthless some of them couid ^pflPB would literally pinpoint you out of a crowd to humiliate you there and tfcen, He had to declare 302 to escape, and now he's gone through therapy and he's a lot better. I was really upset when he told me about this - Lord knows if it happened in my platoon, there'd be hell to pay, and I couldn't care less what rank you were.
It's sad. You still have to be prepared to face discrimmatipuand insult You have to swallow your pride and take a lot of things,in your stridelBml see it as an opportunity. These are the grounds whereupo’nlcan chang^H people's mindsets, because I'm smack in the middle of the most conservative organisation in the entire country and it's filled with young minds. It's perfect for education. You can really change people's minds and percepttonl|g>ut gay people.
I personally feel that sexuality is not a factorih perfomarfcejgat you can be homosexual and an asset to the SAF. I don't know what the army is thinking with the 302 classification; it's been taken off the international medical codes for years now. Singapore? is always trying to move on and keep itself updated, being the country that's always on the ball. So I'm surprised that they haven't changed anything yet. It's so strange that the SAF is outdaMi^H ihiis matter.
But when you've worked together as a team, there's a feeling of 9 friendship there that's quite unexplainabfi^Sremember during training, the W sense of bonding we had when we were all slugging it out, enduring adversity* together, complaining about how icky the camo cream was. And in field campfl atnight, I would be lying in my basha, and me}id start happily sitting around ihecampfire, discussing their girlfriend problems, and I'd be dispensing advice like some Aunt Aggie.
At times like that, you can feel the bond. Race, and language, and : sexual orientation just aren't an issue anymore. I think that's one of the things that NS is trying to achieve. That sense of bonding between all people.
Reading by Nicholas Deroose at "SQ21" book launch, Kinokuniya
See also[]
References[]
Acknowledgements[]
This article was written by Roy Tan.